| grrr is a four letter word |
[09 Jul 2009|01:16pm] |
I've been having a great week so far.
Spent the bulk of it wasting time in classes teaching me to do things I already knew how to do at the expense of the company.
I did however learn a couple of things and the instructor was oh so cordial, therefore I consider it a good investment of my time.
Soured myself a bit this afternoon by inquiring about a job that will be available only to those of us who are outsourced.
The HR individual questioned my qualifications in her very first reply, and given that they do not have my resume on file I found this interesting.
This tells me that either something very bad about me is floating out there without my knowledge, or they've already chosen the person.
Either way it's made me a bit grumpy.
I did not particularly want the job therefore it is not a disappointment, but the lack of respect afforded in her reply sets the teeth on edge.
What emotion I am wasting on something so trivial.
It's a good thing my vacation starts this weekend!
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[02 Jul 2009|01:21pm] |
I have a slew of friends who are rabid MySpace junkies.
I have another who's recently afflicted herself with Facebook.
I still don't understand the appeal.
And what the frick is Twitter?
I have never used it but garnered some time ago that it's a lot like AIM and YIM which have been around forever.
What's so revolutionary about Twitter?
Hmph, my head hurts.
Little in the news has been happy lately - deaths, market scandal, unemployment.
Suppose I should give props to Al Franken.
And the only thing that's made me smile today is learning that the OxyClean guy is dead.
Granted, I don't wish death upon the man, just all of his annoyingly loud commercials.
Happier note, I'm going to a street dance this weekend and perhaps a carnival.
Should be a blast, woot woot.
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| inside joke |
[30 Jun 2009|12:42pm] |
My writing bug flew out the window.
I miss it.
I called it Floopy and we were relearning our dance together.
Must - find - Floopy - ungh....
~~~
Yeah, I won't remember what this was about a few years from now.
ah well
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[29 Jun 2009|01:14pm] |
I love the world.
I hate the world.
Oh hell, I don't really care either way.
Soooooo sleepy, the brain remains stubbornly off.
Tried to write a coherent response to the poor suffering Sebby n' all I got was crossed eyes.
Poor ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) vorpal, there are no easy answers for relationships, are there?
I'd offer to be your unfiltered friend if I thought it'd help. :/
I actually love days like today.
It's as though my self is wrapped in a warm protective cocoon of stupor.
The world cannot get me, and that's very rare.
Started playing the Sims 3 which doubtless will last through the creation of my first house and first month of life before I hit snoozeville.
I imagine this means by Saturday I will have moved on.
One delightful new bit I'm looking forward to toying with however is the personality creation flak.
I have made my character blissfully insane.
Mayhap this'll even stretch the interest to Sunday.
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[22 Jun 2009|01:09pm] |
I try not to base personal validation on the approval or interest of others.
However, occasionally an individual hits in a way that garners intense interest.
Usually this happens when there is some trait or preference that I have in common with that person but lack a pre-established outlet for that particular commonality.
Say for example I am jonesing to discuss superposition. (which actually has happened)
I will go out and deliberately find someone whose personality is amenable and who seems to genuinely enjoy discussing quantum or probability theories.
Usually this tactic works, I gain a new friend, and my need for fulfillment is filled.
But not always.
Sometimes the commonality and my initial interest are not enough to make a relationship stick.
I am disappointed when the connection is a bust and admittedly feel a little lesser a person for a short while, but I suppose that's life.
Everybody takes some people more seriously than others, it's just a shame when those levels don't jive.
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| Wow, I really like this. it's crap, yet so totally me |
[18 Jun 2009|12:27pm] |
of true evil ever be
a white noise of tranquility
silent discordant violence rends
surprising mirth sharply offends
for in true evil there does dwell
the humorous delight of darkest hell
civility apparent will confine
the savage horror behind its line
I know exactly what I was thinking when I wrote it.
"the perfect hero..."
The perfect hero is genteel twisted and does horrible things for a higher cause.
The perfect hero occasionally delights in the noir that accompanies the alternative.
The perfect hero is frightening and powerful, yet he also has that one soft and uncompromisingly committed spot for his heroine even though she is his Achilles heel.
This concept can be attributed to my youth when I thought such a person was possible.
He's not though, you know?
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| zounds with an oooooooo |
[18 Jun 2009|10:14am] |
I am writing a sci fi, really strange.
My best intentions were to go godlings a couple weeks back and instead I find my brain in space.
What fun!
Today is a Hub day full on, as will be tomorrow.
With all that has happened in recent life this is a blissful respite and I am happy.
Have been living for the weekends which is a switch.
This past month has been filled with mild bouts of alcohol, tummies full of great food, and dance.
Ah dance, I remember you.
I also remember the sorts of hotties I used to get that I never thought would be in my league anymore.
Muscly kids in their early 20's, yuppies, preppies, hippies, and even when I'm out in my specs!
Maybe I really do look younger than I am.
Or, maybe there's something to be said for not caring so much any more, or trying so hard, or giving a crap.
A friend told me I've got this easygoing sort of confidence that a lot of younger gals lack.
Is it really all in the attitude?
Oh, and urg, this one night my butt was thoroughly rubbed by a man who thought an acquaintance's hand (on his rump) was my own.
Sort of forgot about the drunk grope.
It amazes me that some people find that appealing.
~
"muscly" just looks wrong, but then so does "the" sometimes - T -- huh - eh
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[09 Jun 2009|12:53pm] |
So here's the plan, and it's totally vamping me for the future.
I am taking this first year off to work my way back into school.
This will be nice.
It will be good.
I will like it.
More importantly I will be taking this first year to write seriously.
This will be my new job.
I will write the godlings saga because it has been percolating for years.
I will write some crap romance novel because they're formulaic and it'll be an easy way to charge through any blocks.
I will join an original fiction rpg at some point because it really does help with the motivation.
As soon as this position ends I am devoting hours every day to fiction.
Now, like all resolutions this probably won't last.
I may even forget it by tomorrow.
But I hope not.
I hope I'm wrong and instead of continuing on with school a year from now I will instead be in the publishing process.
We'll see.
Writing is my passion, not medicine, but life has a way of being.
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[09 Jun 2009|12:31pm] |
I'm not a poet and I totally know it.
To inject a little humor I've taken to silently composing bad poetry whenever the mood grows too tetchy.
Terrible awful stuff that almost rhymes and could be belched out of nearly any ass.
Perspective is a fleeting thing when one is unduly stressed and so if the levity cannot come from outward I say it must come from the in.
Be proud of me.
Today is the first day I have not said aloud, "Who gives a shit, this is not our future," to anyone.
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[04 Jun 2009|01:02pm] |
Up and down flits my frown and there is nothing for it.
I will slave on to my grave unless I get to rest a bit.
Have that song, "Jack and Jill went up the hill to..." running through the noggin.
Various horrid lyrics surface and make me smile as I think about the situation.
NPR is not currently cutting it for out of sphere perspective.
I am happier today though and relieved that it's almost the weekend.
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| snark blossom |
[02 Jun 2009|01:01pm] |
Now that decisions have been finalized I am in surprising distress.
From the mind, heart, blood and pores I am ready to be done with this place.
I want to shout from the rooftops a relinquishment of something so unrewarding it warps the tum.
I – AM – READY – TO – BE – GONE!
Let me add a few more exclamation points.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Wedgehead is the only person from our department remaining.
This was a good decision on management's part given he works hard, strives to be well thought of, is completely malleable, and isn't terribly ambitious.
On the downside he's been playing games lately, trying to elicit emotional reactions in the forms of irritation, jealousy, and want.
Ticked myself off by falling into a grouch this morn.
Each time I think I might miss him he goes and does something like this making the idea of his exclusion from my life more attractive.
But back to my original angst.
Yes, through and through I am ready to be gone.
The temptation to finally voice my displeasure sans security is enormous.
The pissiness I feel at no longer being consulted, especially with relation to jobs that are currently still mine, isn't much less.
I feel very little respect and any lingering appreciation has gone right out the window.
The new bosses are not trustworthy, nor do they attempt to be.
I am beginning to thoroughly hate it here.
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| she's crowning |
[29 May 2009|11:52am] |
Things are looking up.
Finally some closure, notices were given to all but one in our department.
Will learn next week when responsibilities will be lost.
The blood feels better and better as I internalize certain future realities.
This will be the fourth serious return to education on my part, and while change is scary the impetus is vital therefore most appreciated.
I may even stick with a major finally finally finally.
Still fiddling with my noir boy but have a lovely idea for a children's tale too.
Best of all old ghosts are poking; I love that.
Positively a'brimming with creativity, woot woot.
Now, to scale back my expenses...
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[15 May 2009|01:37pm] |
To kill time I am going to wax annoying over the displeasures of outsourcing.
Yay!
Pfffhhhhhhhhpphhhh...
Which is better?
To know your head is on the chopping block today... wait no stay there until tomorrow... no wait, wait some more until next week, next month, six months...
Or
To find your head blinking confusedly from the catch basket...
The downside of knowing before the fall is the deterioration of, well everything.
People leave, jobs become more hectic, things begin to go unfinished, priorities skew, answers are lost.
This is all very stressful and unhappy, and each day you wake up knowing that it's going to be a little worse than the day before.
So yes, crappy working conditions.
However if a job is just a job it's not a big deal, right?
You show up, do whatever they tell you, and get paid, bing-bong-bam.
If only it were that easy.
The friend that I lost for example was due to the increasing pressure at work and her unconsciously treating me as a safe outlet for her vexation.
She is sweeter now but still fails to see the gradually increasing malevolence she directed in order to vent steam.
I cannot trust her to not do it again, and so I hang back.
What a difficult thing.
A displeasing environment, lack of appreciation, suffering health and overflowing schedule, and you have to turn a former friend away too?
Life: in the grand scheme it's not that big of a deal, but to live it is the pits.
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[15 May 2009|01:10pm] |
Covering at the Hub today, I am relaxed at work for the first time in... uhh... oh wow.
The writing bug has finally bit!
Latched on last weekend while en route to Minnesota, something uninspiring about a trapped bug that I'll have to clack out.
Posted two entries from a male perspective which is outside the box for me.
I am not good at switching the sex.
Would like to sound androgynous when I write, but I know well how rare that sort of gift is.
Life is still sucking, but at least I can catch my breath for now.
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[08 May 2009|02:57pm] |
So I've been dumped by my friend.
that sucks
work will be WAY hard now
I hate today.
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| When are you asking too much of someone? |
[08 May 2009|01:30pm] |
When it comes to relationships I rarely do anything half-assed.
This is easy to claim of course, and I'm sure many of us do.
But when I forge what I consider a real friendship that person becomes a member of my family.
I make a point of reaching out, staying in touch, finding time, and growing together even when it's hard.
While still having mostly fun, I take the relationship so seriously that it becomes a part of who I am.
From what I understand most people aren't really like this.
They enjoy doing certain things with certain people; they are not bothered if they are forgotten for a little bit; they even casually neglect those they've enjoyed in the new day.
This is something that has never made sense to me.
I've been called too intense.
I've been called an over-thinker.
Long ago I was occasionally told I tried too hard.
Maturity and experience have tempered me to an extent but I am still that girl not so deep down inside.
In light of recent events I have to wonder if with a certain friend I really am expecting too much.
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[30 Apr 2009|12:58pm] |
Yarp, so finally finally the future is almost at hand.
What what?
The future is always at hand you say?
But yet it certainly doesn't feel that way too often, does it?
I have not written spit in around... six months.
Has it been that long really?
I dunno, but it certainly feels so.
The outsourcing has finally commenced with the first of us receiving our 60 days notices sometime this upcoming month.
Fast following will be additional 60 day notices over the summer for all but five of us.
I do NOT pray that I am one of the five given no option but acceptance or forfeit of all severance and continued benefits.
Either way though I will be returning to school this fall to pursue a career in the medical field.
Oh, I'm so very much looking forward to it!
Note: Life has been tough and I have not been on-line at all lately.
Sadly this will likely continue until the suck job ends.
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| the truth |
[06 Apr 2009|12:59pm] |
mood is of course relative
I love my friends.
My friends are wonderful, supportive, and attentive when I am able to reach them.
The trip has been postponed one last time; this is the last as the airlines have grown twitchy.
July is now what I cling to like a lifeline.
NPR fills my void and takes the brain outward.
Just completed the most awesome Hyperion which turned the brain inward, but in a good way.
No writing, nearly all free time has been a hazy mania of Oblivion.
time to change that
The job well and truly sucks.
This statement does not approach the idea of justice when it comes to my displeasure in this arena.
I am going back to school again this upcoming autumn.
I can hardly wait.
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| it's all a lie |
[06 Apr 2009|12:34pm] |
Love my job!
Rarely has there been a moment when I struggle not to drop in knee grinding genuflection of obsequious gratitude for a career so lovely.
In spirit and in function there can be no higher esteem than that which is garnered from the gestures of my superiors.
Each morning I wake with the vim that propels this lazy butt from bed all a'tingle with a new day's professional possibilities.
I am truly blessed.
How's that for positive blammo?
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